My night of cold darkness and emotional turmoil

Life isn't always fun and dolls, and thought mental illness is still a taboo, confusing, and painful subject for many, I feel it's important to be extremely honest about what I go through.  Last night I had another one of my suicidal crash and burns.  I snapped and all my emotions seemed to leech out of me.  I went outside to get some fresh air, as I often do, but then just started walking.

I had no plan on where I was going to walk, but I wound up up the hill from my house, curled up in a little wooden box that's used as a viewpoint for the lookoff at the top of my street's hill.  It was very cold, and I was definitely not dressed for it.  I found myself looking up at the darkness and the stars, and just wanting to lay there until I froze to death - at one with the darkness and nature, my body returning to the soil.  I was there for a couple of hours, to the point that I had lost feeling in my hands, legs, face, and other extremities.

I knew if I didn't reach out then, that I didn't have the willpower to just get up and walk home, so I tried to call the suicide hotline.  It went to the answering machine.  I guess they were helping someone else, but I found the whole thing laughable - that even the suicide hotline didn't want to bother talking to me.  But, my instinctive self-preservation gave me enough willpower to call 911.  The police came and picked me up, taking me to the hospital.  The officers were very nice, but the backseat of a cop car is probably one of the least comfortable places ever.  I have long legs so do have leg room issues in most cars, but you'd have to have no legs to not feel the lack of leg room.

At the hospital, after I got registered, I had to sit in the triage seats so the nurse and the security guard would always have me in their sights.  The police had called my mother, and she came down to sit with me, but we did not speak.  I didn't know what to say, and I didn't really want to say anything.  At this point, I was in a trance.  I had no emotions in me.  When people think of depression, they think of sadness.  And yes, people who do have depression have sadness, but I often go beyond sadness into a pit of emotionlessness and disinterest.

After a few hours, I was finally seen by the doctor, and wound up getting admitted to the psychiatric ward for observations.  I was given my usual pills by the nurse, and I slept.  I slept HARD, and it was the first time in a long time that I did.  Hating yourself with every fiber of your being is very exhausting.  Once the suicidal inclinations leave me, I'm just left an empty shell.  Also, I'm very introverted, so having to answer the same questions over and over and talk to so many people about the same thing also added to my sheer exhaustion.  Even as I type this now, back at home, it feels like a much more difficult task than it actually is.  My arms are lead, my head is too heavy for my neck, and all my muscles ache.

In the morning, I talked with someone from the mobile crisis unit, and they assessed that I was okay to go home, because I was just too numb for the suicidal thoughts to come back.  I made an appointment to see the mobile crisis representative again next week.  My mother offered to stay home with me this afternoon, but I can barely lift my eyelids, let alone a hand to harm myself again.

When asked, I tried to think of things that made me happy.  It was actually a struggle, but I did think of my cats, and my dolls.  Dolls do seem so superficial, but they really do bring me a bit of happiness in a dark spectrum where happiness is lacking.  To me, they are never just dolls, so when I post images of my dolls, it's personal to me.  They're personal to me.

I don't know if this will just horrify most people, or confuse them, but I hope that anyone who's in the same sort of sad boat that I'm in will get something out of this post.  When you don't have mental or emotional illness, it's near impossible to understand what someone is going through.  You don't have to understand.  You don't have to try and say something 'nice', or 'helpful'.  You just have to be there when they ask, and know that it's the hardest struggle that the person is going through in their lives, and it's a struggle that they may not win, in the end.